I think we can all agree that we're living in one of the most liberated era's for women in the US. Everywhere we look you'll see the ever evolving sex positive attitude and sex educated society that we live in. Despite all of this, we're still left needing more. It's almost like we're looked at as a code to be cracked, or a mystery. I mean, let's think about it. How many times have we heard that men want sex more than us? Too many times to count? Same.
No one's saying that this experience is unique to women but, the gap is overbearingly obvious. “it is in women’s bodies and in their relationship to pleasure that this unfinished business is most apparent,” writes Kathrine Rowland, author of The Pleasure Gap: American Women and the Unfinished Sexual Revolution, “…our libidinous cultural moment may not actually be all that pleasurable, because a giant share of women are not satisfied with their sexual lives. It would seem that we have increased sexual quantity without improving sexual quality.”
What is the Pleasure Gap, Exactly?
While the book itself gives a variety of examples, let's put it in simple terms. The Pleasure Gap appears as a disparity in orgasms between men and women, with women more often than not reporting the lower rates of sexual pleasure overall.
According to Rowland’s research in heterosexual partnerships, upwards of 90 percent of men say they usually orgasm during a sexual encounter compared to only 50 to 70 percent of women. Her reporting combines the personal narratives of over 120 anonymous women, as well as interviews with scientists, researchers, advocates, and sexual health practitioners, and brings us to one conclusion: The Pleasure Gap exists, and it is WIDE.
Closing the Pleasure Gap
There are some steps we can take to hopefully get us to our goal.
Talk About What We Want, and How We Want It Done.
Sometimes, we're too blame too, but, it's ingrained in us. We often are left feeling unsatisfied after sex but, we just roll over and accepting it, never giving our partners a chance to learn what we really like. I know it can be a difficult conversation but, it's one that needs to happen. We also deserve to feel good as much as a man does during sex. We are frequently taught to be happy for what we have when it comes to sex and intimacy. We should be shooting for the moon instead. Encouraging the women around us to talk openly about desires, sexual experiences, and healthy boundaries is key in creating a conversation where our sexual needs are just as vital as anyone else’s and not met with rejection or judgment for what we require.
Stop Shaming Ourselves for Our Desires
Ever since I've became sexually active there was a bit of shame attached to it. It could've been my upbringing, but something about hearing the word ''sex'' used to make me want to curl into a ball and pretend to be a woman with no desires.
In a conversation documented with a woman ghost-named Pam, Rowland recounts a similar sentiment. As women, we have been taught our entire lives to just “keep it in our pants”, Pam explains, “…most women have ‘low libido’ which is just another way to say that we are disconnected from our sexuality”. By reframing female pleasure to be just as natural and vital as male pleasure we can encourage ourselves to prioritize what we want in the bedroom.
Unlearning that deeply rooted shame surrounding sex and intimacy doesn't have to be an alone battle. If you're with someone that you trust, tell them about what you like and vice versa. Engaging in these new ideas with a trusting partner can help you feel more comfortable and celebrating the parts of you that you've kept hidden.
Educate Ourselves About Sex
There's more to sex education than just plain ol abstinence. Although...Coach Carr may have made us feel differently. (Totally a mean girls reference) One of the MOST important steps in closing this gap is advocating for real sex education. Remember, education never stops. Yes, we're adults, we know how to not get pregnant (sometimes) and how to not catch STDS, but do we know how to promote consent, boundary setting and focusing on our pleasure? Probably not as much as we should. There's plenty of resources out there like these books that can give you more insight as well as sites like Planned Parenthood. By taking our education surrounding sex to the next level we will slowly and surely take our sex lives there too
-Mimi ❤️